PlexNex: TGIF: On Pogue's Imponderables

David Pogue asked me a few questions this week ...

Q: Why is Wi-Fi free at cheap hotels, but $14 a night at expensive ones?

Because high-end hotel customers don't scrutinize the bill; and the amount is often insignificant up against the peanuts, cashews, M&Ms and the 2ml bottles of Grey Goose, Absolut Cranapple, Johnny Walker Blue & Laphroaig 32 consumed from the special locked mini-fridge.

Q: What happens to software programs when their publishers go out of business?

They become open source projects.

Q: Would the record companies sell more music online if it weren’t copy-protected?

They would sell more music if it was better music.

Q: Do cellphones cause brain cancer?

I forget.

Q: What’s the real reason you have to turn off your laptop for takeoff?

So it doesn't knock your teeth out, brain your neighbor, put someone's eye out and get blood & gray-matter all over everyone if the plane should happen to catch wind-shear.

Q: Why can’t a digital S.L.R. camera record video?

Yes.

Q: Wi-Fi on airplanes. What’s taking so long?

a) the Anti-Carry-On lobby is gaining strength;
b) fear of liability when the stewardess spills the Fresca on the Thinkpad keyboard;
c) lawsuits from (b) will negate all airline profits; or
d) they tried but couldn't get the router working

Q: Who are the morons who respond to junk-mail offers, thereby keeping spammers in business?

those people in Ohio, Indiana, North Dakota & Iowa

Q: I’m told that they could make a shirt-pocket digital camera that takes pictures like an S.L.R., but it would cost a lot. So why don’t they make one for people who can afford it?

The logo would be too small; and for those standing close by, it would likely be covered up by the cloth material of the pocket.

Q: How come there are still no viruses for Mac OS X? If it has 6 percent of the market, shouldn’t it have 6 percent of the viruses?

Microsoft created all the viruses to have someone else to blame and distract attention from their inadequate design & engineering.

Q: Do shareware programmers pay taxes on all those $20 contributions?

Of course!

Q: How are we going to preserve all of our digital photos and videos for future generations?

Print them out and tape them to the fridge.

Q: Why are there no federal rebates or tax credits for solar power?

The solar power industry is lobbying against it to preserve the rich profit margins, stay unique & be cool.

Q: Why do you have to take tape camcorders out of your carry-on at airport security, but not the tapeless kind? Couldn’t you hide a bomb equally well in either one? (Actually, I have about 500 more logic questions about the rules at airport security, but I have a feeling they’ll remain answerless for a very long time.)

They have to do something.

Q: Laptops, cameras and cellphones have improved by a thousand percent in the last ten years. Why not their batteries?

People like their disintermediated metaphors to come in bright colors.

Q: SmartDisplay, Spot Watch, U.M.P.C., Zune… when will Microsoft realize that it’s not a hardware company?

When they realize they are a law firm with hobbyist tendencies to not follow through.

Q: Why don’t public sinks have foot pedals?

What? To wash our feet?

Q: Why don’t all hotels have check-in kiosks like airlines do?

Because the rooms are usually on time.

Q: Five billion dollars a year spent on ringtones? What the?

Don't go there.

Q: How come cellphone signal-strength bars are so often wrong?

Because you can't get laid there.

Q: Do P.R. people really expect anyone to believe that the standard, stilted, second-paragraph C.E.O. quote was really uttered by a human being?

Hey! I'm still getting residuals for those.

Q: Why aren’t there recycling bins for bottles and cans where they’re most obviously needed, like food courts and cafeterias?

Recycling is a conspiracy dedicated to perpetuating the myth that we are destroying the Earth & running out of fossil fuel.

Q: Why doesn’t someone start a cellphone company that bills you only for what you use? That model works O.K. for the electricity, gas and water companies —and people would beat a path to its door.

Duh-uh!. Cell phones work on radio-frequency.

Q: Why doesn’t everyone have lights that turn off automatically when the room is empty?

When you're there, it's light; when you're away, it's dark.

Q: What’s the deal with Palm?

Palm who?

Q: Why are so many people rude on the Internet?

Because they are all sitting there -- all cocky -- in front of their computers thinking no one can see them.