The Masturbation Post

Hey, you guys. Let's make every day just like April 1st! How about it? Huh?

With Onanism 2.0, it's impossible to tell if Nick Carr approves of masturbation or disapproves of it, whether he approves of pornography on the Internet or disapproves of it. I admit to being quite puzzled by Nick's actual attitude toward onanism and Internet pronography -- and pornography in general.

Now adults have been telling youths (relish the hard 'th' sound, as in 'soothe') for generations about the down side, the vicissitudes of jerking off; amid their own fits of insanity, adults have asserted that too much jerking off will make you go blind. Now this is clearly not true because there are definitely not that many blind people around. And I can still see. In fact, the percentage of blind people in the world is much smaller than the percentage of people who have a more or less normal sex life. So, I conclude that going blind from jerking off is positively not on.

Now, I don't know much more than the next bloke about Internet pornography -- which may be plenty -- but I will draw your attention to the fact that before the Internet, there was a lot of masturbation going on. Mind you, there was enough sex going on to grow the population faster than has been a good thing -- particularly for the atmosphere. But I will also point out that we have been singing about love, sex & jerking off since...oh...since about the Paleozoic Age, perhaps even longer.

It should not shock you to learn, then, that there exists a certain number of popular songs in the modern canon of good songs which appear to be about masturbation. The first one which comes spasmodically to mind is by one of my favorite bands, Green Day...

"Long View"

Sit around and watch theTube
But, nothing's on
Change the channels for an hour or two
Twiddle my thumbs just for a bit
I'm sick of all the same old shit
In a house with unlocked doors
And I'm fucking lazy

Bite my lip and close my eyes
Take me away to paradise
I'm so damn bored I'm going blind!!!
An I smell like shit

Peel me off this Velcro seat
And get me moving
I sure as hell can't do it by myself
I'm feeling like a dog in heat
Barred indoors from the Summer street
I locked the door to my own cell
And I lost the key

I got no motivation
Where is my motivation
No time for motivation
Smoking my inspiration

Sit around and watch the phone
But no one's calling
Call me pathetic, call me what you will
My mother says to get a job
But she don't like the one she's got
When masturbation's lost its fun
You're fucking breaking

Bite my lip and close my eyes
Take me away to paradise
I'm so damn bored
I'm going blind
And loneliness has to suffice
Bite my lip and close my eyes
Slipping away to paradise
Some say "Quit or I'll go blind"
But it's just a myth

No question, a masturbation song.

Now, there is another even better song about masturbation by Cole Porter and I bet very few people have ever actually realized that it's about masturbation. Some of our best singers have done this little suggestive number (Frank Sinatra, Perry Como, Ella Fitzgerald and my favorite, Abbey Lincoln), and it's a testiment to Porter's artful ambiguity that the song could easily be enjoyed without necessarily triggering a suggestion of masturbation. The response, of course, depends upon the state of health and general intelligence of the listener. Now that I mention it; the song could be ruined -- or improved -- for you forever...

"I Concentrate On You"

Whenever skies look gray to me and trouble begins to brew
Whenever the winter winds become too strong
I concentrate on you

When fortune cries nay, nay to me
And people declare you’re through
Whenever the blues become my only songs
I concentrate on you

On your smile, so sweet, so tender
When at first my kiss you do decline
On the light in your eyes when you surrender
And once again our arms intertwine

And so when wise men say to me
That love’s young dream never comes true
To prove that even the wise men can be wrong
I concentrate on you

And who would contradict the suggestion that this other song is about masturbation...by Nora Jones...

"Don't Know Why"

I waited 'til I saw the sun
I don't know why I didn't come
I left you by the house of fun
I don't know why I didn't come
I don't know why I didn't come

When I saw the break of day
I wished that I could fly away
Instead of kneeling in the sand
Catching teardrops in my hand

My heart is drenched in wine
But you'll be on my mind
Forever

Out across the endless sea
I would die in ecstasy
But I'll be a bag of bones
Driving down the road along

My heart is drenched in wine
But you'll be on my mind
Forever

Something has to make you run
I don't know why I didn't come
I feel as empty as a drum
I don't know why I didn't come
I don't know why I didn't come
I don't know why I didn't come

See, the word 'come' is in there so many times and her voice is so beautiful that this song must definitely be about masturbation.

OTHER SONGS ABOUT MASTURBATION

"Turning Japanese" (The Vapors)
"Love Comes in Spurts" (Richard Hell & the Voidoids)
"The Star Spangled Banner" (Jimi Henrix)
"Whole Lotta Love" (Led Zeppelin...especially the break where the drums come back in.)
"The Lemon Song" (Led Zeppelin)
"Moby Dick" (Led Zeppelin)
[As a matter of fact, the whole Zeppelin catalog, end to end, is either directly or indirectly about fucking, which qualifies as masturbation with a partner and which can be even more fun.]
"Norwegian Wood" (The Beatles)
[There is nothing even remotely sexy about The Rolling Stones.]
etc., etc., etc.

This topic goes on and on. In fact, it's endless.

Then there's the movies: we could discuss that scene in "The Sailor Who Fell From Grace with the Sea" with Kris Kristofferson & Sarah Miles...

I don't understand all this coy talk around the subject; and just what is the relevance of the Internet to onanism? If history and art provide any yardstick, where masturbation is concerned the Internet is strictly surplus to requirements.

Comments

[Nick]

It's great to know I'm such an inspiration to you, Sam.